I’m…single single. And this time, it hits differently.
I’ve lost weight. I’m feeling myself again. I’m healing. And yet… no one’s checking for me. No one’s asking for my number. No one’s texting “Hey stranger.” It’s just me, God, and the rain hitting my window on this stormy night.
And for the first time in a while, I’m asking myself: Where am I? Who am I?
Because truthfully, it feels like I’ve been in a coma since I was nine years old. Somewhere between childhood trauma, caretaking, and striving to “be strong,” I went numb. And now, at 35, I’m finally waking up.
The Awakening
I’ve been unemployed since October 2024. I’m recovering from heartbreak. I’m caregiving full-time. Yet, weirdly enough… after writing my last blog, I felt free.
And I realized, God’s been pulling me into a season of self-discovery.
Lately, He’s been assigning me these strange but sacred tasks. Like, “Buy a jar. Write scriptures. Pull three a day.” I obeyed, and not-so-coincidentally, the numbers 3, 33, and 333 started following me everywhere.
You know what it feels like? That scene in The Lion King where Mufasa is talking to Simba under the stars. Mufasa is full of wisdom, and Simba is young, unsure, and learning who he is. That’s me. Simba. Sitting in the dark, asking, “Who am I supposed to be now?”
Why Do I Attract Feminine Men?
And then this question hit me out of nowhere: Why do I keep attracting soft, feminine men?
Men who don’t lead. Men…who I invite out, feed, and let them drive around in my car. I’m the one doing the courting, the covering, the carrying. A man would literally chase me, court me, date me, then see that I am an alpha woman, and suddenly stop wooing me, and now they are resting their heads on my chest at night.
But here’s the twist…
I’ve also dated a few guys in between who seemed dominant and overbearing. And honestly? That didn’t work either. If I couldn’t stay in control, if I didn’t approach first, lead sexually, or feel like “I got you, babe” while not caring if they had me, it didn’t feel safe.
The truth is, the relationship only “worked” for me if I held the power.
Most of those men had time, but no money. That’s a result of some childhood abandonment wounds. We will discuss in another blog.
Talk about trauma! They needed me more than I needed them, and I had no respect for them!
And now, I finally understand why.
I was raised by Alpha Women. My mom. My aunt. My grandmother. Strong, independent, dominant women who handled everything. I’ve never seen a healthy alpha male relationship in real life…not even once.
My mom told me, “I like softer men. Why? Because my great-grandmother was brutally abused by her husband back in the 1930s. She escaped to Chicago and married a kind, younger man, my Papa James, who let the women lead and he kept a smile. And the women in our family held onto that model like gospel; he spoiled us.
But that legacy didn’t start with preference. It started with trauma.
According to my therapist, the Psychology Behind It …is called ITT (intergenerational trauma transmission) when emotional wounds get passed down, not just through stories, but through behavior, fears, and preferences.
What I learned growing up was this: “Men are safer when they’re not dominant.” So, I kept choosing men who wouldn’t lead, wouldn’t provide, wouldn’t protect, because they didn’t threaten me. But they also didn’t challenge me. And that left me in masculine energy 24/7, leading, paying, fixing, and providing.
And now I’m tired. I Want to Be Soft.
Lately, I’ve been telling God and my therapist:
“I don’t want to be the strong one all the time. I want to rest. I want to be held, not just hold everything together.”
My therapist told me I’m shifting from survival to receivership.
And honestly? It feels good to have this new profound mentality.
I’m maturing spiritually and emotionally. I’m healing, finally. I’m starting to crave something different. Not toxic masculinity, but sacred masculinity. I want to experience what it feels like to trust, to follow, to rest. To be a woman in her feminine energy, soft, loved, protected, and respected.
What I’m Praying For Now, I’ve never prayed like this before, but now I am. I’m praying for a man who:
– Leads with love
– Protects without control
– Provides while honoring my voice
– Loves like Christ loves the Church
And none of that would’ve been possible if I hadn’t started surrendering, for real this time. Not just saying “I trust God,” but actually living like it. Stepping back. Letting go. Obeying when He says “move,” and being still when He says “wait.”
Scriptures That Are Grounding Me…These verses are carrying me through:
– Matthew 11:28 – “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
– Proverbs 3:5-6 – “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”
– Isaiah 26:3 – “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you.”
– Psalm 46:10 – “Be still, and know that I am God.”
– Romans 8:28 – “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him.”
Final Thoughts
I don’t know what’s ahead, but I do know this:
The Alpha Woman in me is packing it up! Adios!
I don’t want to be in charge of everything anymore. I want balance. I want God’s design, not trauma’s reaction. And maybe, just maybe, God is preparing me for the kind of love I’ve never seen, but always needed.
If you’ve been leading for too long, exhausted from survival, this might be your moment too.
Let’s heal. Let’s release.
Let’s finally rest.
Black, Christian & 