Black, Christian &

Nights like this, I hate being single.

I decided to go out to a cigar bar that was in the neighborhood instead of the Mexican restaurant I once dined in with the person who last broke my heart.

What’s weird is that, at 35, I just decided to date myself…

Maybe it was the lack of suitors waiting by my door for their chance, or maybe God has finally said, “Child, this is your season of growth, and you shall be alone.”

I feel it wholeheartedly, and as much as I love God, I don’t like this new venture He has me on.

No sex, no late night calls, no dates, and did I mention no sex?

What a dry season. But God needs me to be pure.

Judge me all you want! Yes, I am a Christian, and yes, I participated in premarital sex!

And guess what? I’m not perfect, and God loves me anyway!

Not saying it’s right, because it’s not. But I am honest about it.

Anywho, let’s redirect this message back to its topic. SINGLE. ON. PURPOSE.

Yes, I am deleting my dating apps, and I am turning down advances.

I had to sit and think, did that last situation make me so heartbroken that it pushed me into solitude? Perhaps so.

I was in love! Deep love! I never felt more seen by anyone before, except perhaps by my grandmother and children. But this was on a deeper level… That man was my friend! He knew all my secrets, and I knew his (well, at least I thought so), and we waited six months before we were intimate. You couldn’t tell I wasn’t this man’s rib mate… okay! we were so locked in! again I thought.

Let’s stay focused. Stay tuned for “Black, Christian, and Heartbroken?” I’ll be writing that next.

So, I’m sitting in the cigar bar, smoking my mildly feminine cigar, drinking my whisky, and reading my self-help book. Then come the songs, back-to-back, like my heart made the playlist: “Damages” by H.E.R., “Diary” by Alicia Keys, “Halfcrazy” by Musiq Soulchild, “Double Back” by Coco Jones, and “Loyalty” by Kendrick Lamar. All the playlist was missing was Mariah Carey’s “Breakdown”, then I would’ve been tortured beyond repair. I wondered… do he receive signs like this? Daily reminders of us? or is it just me?

This season of being single on purpose is so uncomfortable, but so necessary. Not only am I being forced to sit with myself, but I am also walking in obedience to God.

Therapy has helped. I have a new assignment where I’m identifying healthy and unhealthy habits from past relationships. I suffer from trust issues, as I don’t believe someone truly loves me unless they go out of their way to show it. So I put them through hell to see if they last. I also suffer from being ignored as a child and pushed away.

Earlier this week, I attended my son’s pre-school graduation, and for the first time in my life, I was okay not having a male support system to show off to my ex. This time, I was content. I always felt like I needed someone, but this time I felt complete.

Five years ago, at the same venue, my ex, Edward, and I were there to support my daughter. Her father, his wife, and their new children were all there. I brought Edward along to prove something to my ex and most importantly to myself. I wanted to prove I was lovable and not broken. Edward and I got engaged, we had our son and then broke up. The truth is, I knew something wasn’t right. Edward reminded me of my mom, moody, suppressive, and emotionally erratic. I once heard a saying: we often date people who reflect the unresolved parts of our parents. That was Edward.

Leaving him was an act of courage, and maybe, yes, an avoidant response, but it saved me, and I never looked back!

So now I am back at the same venue, watching my son graduate from pre-k alone, while Edward shows up with his girlfriend. He made a grand speech explaining away his lack of involvement in our son’s “school” life, and there he was in the same suit I bought him four years ago, and now driving her car. As for that, and him, some cycles don’t break unless we break them.

Here I am, the serial dater, now alone and somehow okay. No thoughts of Bradley crossed my mind, which was great! I’m recovering slowly.

I am finally facing healing while watching my ex-fiance continue to self-destruct.

Back to the cigar bar.

As I sat there, alone, feeling eyes on me, I realized I’m not lonely, I’m becoming. This is my soul, finally getting undistracted enough to heal and grow.

Maybe this season was brought on by heartbreak with Bradley. Maybe God is using this season to make me better. For myself, for my future partner, for my purpose.

Scriptures that anchor me:

• 2 Timothy 1:7 – “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”
• Psalm 34:18 – “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
• Romans 8:28 – “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Tools for Thriving in Your Single Season:

1. Therapy: A safe space to unpack your story without judgment.
2. Journaling: Write to God, to yourself, to your future. Let it out.
3. Scripture Meditation: Start your day with verses like Psalm 46:5, Proverbs 3:5–6, and Matthew 6:33.
4. Solo Dates: Go to the movies, a museum, a jazz bar—fall in love with your own company.
5. Accountability: Have a sister-friend you can be honest with. Healing in isolation can become hiding.
6. Affirmations: Speak life into yourself daily: “I am whole. I am healing. I am held.”

Final Thought: Being Black, Christian, and Single on Purpose isn’t a curse, it’s a calling. It’s not easy, but it is sacred. Because you are worth the pause. Worth the pruning. Worth the preparation.